What if.. The two most toxic words combined. What if.
My whole life I’ve been wondering what if the situation was different, what If it all went the other way. I started recreating and making up new scenarios in my head of events that had not turned out the way I wanted to. Even my dreams started to consist of the theme “what if”. Dreams better then reality itself. Better then what really happened.
Because of all the relationships that didn’t work out I always asked my self, what if? What if I was skinnier, what if I was smarter? Would they stay? As a young teen I had a lot of insecurities. I was very unsure and never felt good enough and all the rejections messed up my confidence.
I am a very shy person at first and because of that I’m not used to showing my emotions so I bottle them up inside. I get attached very easily and bare my heart way too quick. My heart ended up being crushed and as a result I started questioning myself. All I kept saying in my head was …what if. Always looking for explanations, what I might have done wrong. Always blaming myself for the bad outcomes. Because of my little social anxiety I was always the person who could not even say a word on the first date. I was the person who could never look someone in the eyes and tell them how I feel.
People often say,: Why did you just cut someone out of your life out of nowhere. Why don’t you talk anymore? ” The truth is, I can’t bare seeing myself trough their eyes, seeing the person I used to be. I’m not running from the past, I’m turning a new page in my life. These people bring out the worst of me, my old self comes around and it scarest the shit out of me, I can’t face my own damn shadow and I can’t seem to shake it off. It follows me everywhere. Just when I get a fresh start a “What if” comes knocking at my door and I become a mess. I fall back into my old habbits, doubting myself and feeling like shit. Well I’m done! NO MORE!
I’m building myself up from the broken and bruised girl I used to be. I am a grown ass woman, who won’t allow anyone to come into her life and screw things up again. All the relationships, all the what if’s, they all turned out to be a lesson. They prepared me for what is still to come, in a way they even made me a better person. Stronger, more independent and CONFIDENT! Therefore I thank you. I thank you for the pain, for the tears and misconceptions. I thank you for showing me that I needed a change. A change for the better.